to the Winchester!

The Forest of Hands and Teeth
Carrie Ryan

This review's gonna be a fast read -- just like this book.

Ok so Mary lives in a village surrounded by the Unconsecrated (aka brain-eating zombies) and soon her (gulp) marriage will be upon her (it's all their good duty to have lots of un-unconsecrated babies) and meanwhile all she can do is wonder was the ocean is like and will she ever see it.

[Pssst. Hey, Mar. The ocean? Full of sand. (Said sand gets all up in your pants. Literally.) And there's sun. (If you're like me, said sun will burn you to a crisp.) And there's jellyfish. (Which are just gross.) Plus you'll have zombies. So, the ocean? Get over it.]

Anyway, the book:

GOOD: Zombies! Angst! Zombies! BRRRAAAINNSS

BAD: Protag was a bit too angsty. You're living in the zombie apocalypse: stop whining about your crush, already. Also, there were a few loose ends that weren't tied up, although they might better be resolved in the second novel, The Dead-Tossed Waves.

BEST: A fast-paced, gripping read read that was perfect for my treadmill. (I read the Kindle version, obvi.)

In a nutshell: Taut and entertaining, TFoHaT takes a look at those who fight to survive under what might be the most disturbing of circumstances.

Bibliolatry Scale: 4 out of 6 stars

FTCBS: I got the Kindle version for this, thankyouverymuch!



PS: The title to this post comes from my favorite zombie flick and not this novel. (Although, to be fair, going to the Winchester and having a nice cold pint sounds better than visiting a zombified ocean.)

Not even Stains could save this one

The Knife of Never Letting Go
Patrick Ness

As part of my on-going effort to avoid another reading funk, I've surrounded myself with "quick reads" to keep me moving. Based on the many reviews I've read of The Knife of Never Letting Go, I figured this combination of dystopia, thriller, and bildungsroman was guaranteed to excite.

The narrator of The Knife of Never Letting Go, Todd Hewitt, lives in Prentisstown, where the thoughts of men and animals are heard by everyone. This Noise, as it's called, makes life nearly unbearable, as true privacy and peace are impossible to find. The novel opens as Todd and his dog, Manchee, find something they've never found before: silence. Soon, Todd's running for his life and yadda yadda yadda. So, did The Knife of Never Letting Go live up to the hype?

Unfortunately, no.

Todd annoyed me. Even Manchee, the talking dog, annoyed me -- and I love dogs. However, I soon replaced my original image of Manchee with Stains, the internet's beloved hypnodog, and my love for Manchee soared.

"Poo! Poo!" says Manchee ... over and over (and over)

Alas, that which annoyed me nearly outweighed that which didn't. Todd's voice was uneven and clunky, the plotting was fast-paced but silly in places, and, while I am intrigued by a world where thoughts are public, the overall execution was a bit weak for me.

Or maybe TKoNLG suffered from poor timing. I've just read several EXCELLENT books, one of which I'm still unable to post about, it was that good (and no, it is NOT The Savage Detectives, thank you for asking), so it was inevitable I'd find fault with TKoNLG. That said, TKoNLG was a fast, light read perfect for breaking a funk.

In a nutshell: Flawed but fast-paced, The Knife of Never Letting Go is relentless and and entertaining, to a point.

Bibliolatry Scale: 2 out of 6 stars

FTCBS: Personal copy (shut up)

Life: a small series of botched actions

The Book of Dave
Will Self

In the future, religious extremists rule. They are not, however, Christian or Muslim, but Davist.

Davists are pretty crazy. They don't blow things up, but they don't have to -- they're the only ones around. They have a monopoly on fanaticism, and if you disagree, you'll be broken on the Wheel. Davists believe, among other things, that moms and dads should be separated and that their children must divide their time equally among them. Under no circumstances should a child live with both parents. That’s just crazy, for Dave has forbidden it.

Who’s Dave, you ask? Not a fisherman or carpenter, not a mystic or son of God. No, Dave is a cabbie. A bitter, misogynistic, racist cabbie.

As The Book of Dave begins, we are taken 500 years into the future, to the Kingdom of Ingerland. This country is currently ruled by the PCO, formerly the Public Carriage Office, London's transit authority. So basically the country is ruled by Septa. No wonder they're in a world of shit.

a modern art masterpiece

In the future, instead of following the Bible or the Koran, people follow The Book of Dave. This tome was discovered after the MadeinChina, the creation that occurred after a flood destroyed the world as we currently know it.

The opening chapter of The Book of Dave introduces us to this future world, and to be fair, it’s a difficult chapter. The language is unfamiliar and the reader must frequently consult the glossary of terms at the end of the book. Their customs and creatures (the villagers breed a kind of weird, talking pig that helps to raise their children and is later slaughtered for its meat and oil) are also unfamiliar, which isn't too surprising since this society only rudimentally compares to our own. However, just as we begin to adjust to this bizarre world, we are returned to our own, where things seem much more understandable.

In our time, we meet Dave Rudman, the aforementioned cabbie who is filled with hatred after his wife leaves him and takes his son, Carl. The loss of his son puts Dave in a tailspin: his anger turns to depression, which soon turns to psychosis. Soon, he begins to type his knowledge of the city and his beliefs on how it should be run – and buries it in his son’s backyard, so that he might receive it when the time is right. Hey, he’s crazy. It probably made sense at the time.

Unfortunately, Carl never finds Dave’s book – the people of Ing do, 500 years in the future. Unfortunately, they take Dave’s bile as canon, and his book becomes the foundation for their way of life, influencing their harsh treatment of women and bizarre way of raising children. Even more bizarre is that their entire lifeview is built on Dave’s book – they believe the universe is viewed out of Dave’s windshield and that they are all his fares, which Dave sees in his rearview mirror.

The Book of Dave is not an easy read, but it is an intelligent one that prompts a lot of philosophical questions. Why do we view some things as sacred and not others? Can we be truly assured of the origin of our "divine" texts? For his part, Will Self has to be a genius. He creates a future world complete with its own religion, language, and cosmology just as he skewers the hypocritical world of today.

In fact, my only cavil with Self isn't with the book at all -- it's with his picture that graces the back cover, posted here. This has to be the most stereotypical author photo ever. Here sits our superintelligent author, pipe in hand, seriously glum expression on his face as though to say: My great intelligence, coupled with the general idiocy of the masses, wearies me. I need a smoke.

Now, check out these other photos of Self. How much better are these? He looks fun. He looks human. I’d much rather see these on the cover. This one is rather endearing. This one is odd, but intriguing. This one makes him seem confused, a beleagured genius. Highly likable. And finally, this one is authorly, but not overdone. Hence, it's the pipe that ruins it for me. HENCEFORTH, LET NO AUTHOR BE PHOTOGRAPHED WITH A PIPE. I have decreed it so.

Clearly, I am an expert in these matters. For this reason, I hereby dub myself the Official Approver of Author Photos. If you are an author and would like me to decide upon the picture that will grace the cover of your latest work, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will make sure you don’t look pompous. Don't be afraid; my rates are rather reasonable.*

In a nutshell: A challenging read, but one that is thought-provoking and brilliant. Makes you wonder who really wrote the texts that we revere as sacred. Ooh! I'm going to write my own. The Book of Bibliolatry. Can't wait for the future!

Bibliolatry Scale: 5 out of 6 stars



*Only if you're rich

The return of Dick

Four Novels of the 1960s
Philip K. Dick

Welcome to Part Two of Philip K. Dick, featuring Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Ubik. As I warned in my last post, there is far more to them; mere summary simply does not suffice. It is impossible to explain every aspect of these novels, and there is much that is interesting that I cannot mention here. If you’re curious, you’ll simply have to go read them for yourself.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? is the third novel in this collection, and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it based on the few minutes of Blade Runner I’ve glimpsed over the years. I needn’t have worried. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? follows Rick Deckard, an android bounty hunter, as he takes down robots who have illegally landed on Earth. Androids are legal in space colonies, where they serve as servants for each emigrant family; but on Earth, which has been partially destroyed by fallout from a nuclear war, they must be put down. Few people remain on Earth; those who do choose to remain for financial or emotional reasons, or are forced by the government to stay because they have been too badly mutated by the fallout (those unfortunates are labeled “chickenheads” due to their diminished intelligence).

alrighty then

Androids often choose certain death on Earth (versus stability in the colonies) in order to, of course, experience freedom. Although appearing identical to humans, there are certain tests (involving emotion and empathy) which can prove the presence of an android. I could go on (and on) but needless to say, Dick uses this situation to pose a question that has become more relevant today than when it was written forty years ago: What is human? Are androids human if they are able to feel emotion? And if so, do they have the same basic right to life that humans enjoy? What about when people cannot feel emotion? Does that make them less-than-human? To whom does the right to freedom belong?

In case you were wondering, the title refers to the desire for animals that each person on Earth feels: nuclear war has eradicated many forms of life; all animals have become endangered, and many are outright extinct. Owning an animal has become one’s duty to society; those who do not own animals are frowned upon. Unfortunately it is difficult to keep animals alive in such an environment, so one might purchase a robotic (or “electric”) animal to keep up appearances. Ironically, many people, including Deckard, love these robotic animals despite feeling an aversion to their more human counterparts.

Like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Ubik also has you questioning what is real, but in an entirely different way than every other novel in this collection. It started off slowly, but once I finally got into it, I couldn’t put it down. It centers on a group of people with psychic talents who work for a “prudence organization,” a company (owned by Glen Runciter) whose employees block the psychic powers of others. Runciter’s enemy is Ray Hollis, who has his own group of psychics.

Sidenote: Runciter runs the company in part by seeking the advice of his wife, Ella, who died years ago. It is possible for the dead to remain for a period of several years in a state of “half-life” in cryogenic suspension before dying entirely. A person in cryogenic suspension is able to communicate with loved ones who frequent the moratoriums that store the deceased.

Back to the plot. Runciter’s company is hired by a wealthy businessman to counteract a psychic infringing on his business. Runciter takes several of his best psychics to attend to the problem. Unfortunately, it’s a trap. A bomb explosion kills Runciter without harming the others, who rush back to Earth to place him in cryogenic suspension.

So Runciter is dead and the rest are alive. Or, wait: is it the reverse? Nothing is as it seems in Dick’s worlds, and Ubik is no different. Soon the remaining psychics experience shifts in reality, regressing to earlier times. They discover fresh milk that has already soured, money in their pockets which bears the face of Glen Runciter. Then, one by one, the psychics start to die. Are these phenomena the result of the explosion? The result of the talents of Pat Conley (a psychic with a new anti-psi talent: the ability to change the past)? Or something else entirely? And what the hell is this Ubik we’ve been hearing so much about?

In a nutshell: Dick is fun. I think. Maybe I only think it's Dick. Maybe what I believe to be the work of Philip K. Dick is really the result of -- just kidding.

Bibliolatry Scale: 5.5 out of 6 stars

When in doubt, go for the dick joke

Philip K. Dick: Four Novels of the 1960s

I love Library of America editions. There’s just something about the hardcover with the paper-thin pages, bookmark sewn into the spine, and the overall compactness of the edition. (How do they get 900 pages to look so thin?) I don’t know why I don’t own more, but when I saw they had one for Philip K. Dick, I had to have it, even though I knew nothing about the man or his work.

Sure, I know that Keanu Reeves starred in that movie based on that book that I didn’t read, and it was all really cool because they like colored over the film or something. But I hate reading a book for a movie, especially a movie I didn’t see, especially one starring Keanu Reeves. True, I’ve seen the first five minutes of Blade Runner, but my childhood self could not understand why Indiana Jones was being so boring; and so, I know nothing about Philip K. Dick or his work.

Thank god for the Library of America. Now I’ve read four of his novels and I can now exult in the glory that is Dick. In Part One of my expose on this tome, I’ll discuss The Man in the High Castle and The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch. Part Two will cover Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Ubik.

First, I have to say how surprised I am at the depth of Dick’s work; it’s not that I thought his work would suck per se, but I didn’t expect to find such substance in these novels. Now I find myself compelled to read everything the man ever wrote.

The Man in the High Castle, published in 1962, won a Hugo Award for Best Novel. Despite it being my least favorite of these novels, I can still say I enjoyed it for the way Dick speculates about an alternative history. In this novel, the Allies did not win World War II, and Dick illustrates how different life would be if Germany and Japan divvied up the world. Needless to say, it’s not a pleasant picture. The plot is comprised of several different characters and their interactions as things finally come to a head at the end of the book. In The Man in the High Castle, it’s not plot that’s so important as is the alternative history that Dick presents.

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, on the other hand, might be my favorite of the four novels. Published in 1965, it tells the story of a world in which people colonize other planets. Life on other planets is, needless to say, quite depressing; thankfully, there are lots of drugs to ease the pain. Specifically, there is Can-D, a hallucinogen that gives the user an out-of-body experience of sorts, one that allows the user to believe he or she is back on earth. The novel begins when industrialist Palmer Eldritch returns from a ten-year exploration of Proxima Centauri. He has returned with a substance that rivals – even surpasses Can-D – and yet, it is not as benevolent as Eldritch would have everyone believe.

Unfortunately for those who haven’t read these works, there is far more to them than my mere summary can explain. Dick fleshes out whole worlds that defy easy summary. For example, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch features evolution therapy that many people can undergo; the earth is also in the throes of an ecological disaster which has heated the earth so that people cannot go outside without protective clothing. There is much more to these novels than meets the eye.

In a nutshell: Awesome. Dick tackles the question “What is real?” and proves that truth is often elusive, or an illusion entirely.

Bibliolatry Scale: 5.5 out of 6 stars

Stay tuned for Part Two: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Ubik.

Divided Kingdom, by Rupert Thomson

Divided Kingdom
Rupert Thomson

In the middle of the night, a child named Matthew Micklewright is taken from his home by the police, and sent to be educated about the reformation of their country. Matthew becomes Thomas Parry, and is sent to live with a new family, the so-called others of his kind, as the country seeks the kind of stability that had been lacking before its reorganization.

Once the United Kingdom, the country has been divided into four sections based on the natures of the inhabitants. The Divided Kingdom's citizens are now classified as either Sanguine (nice and pleasant), Melancholic (depressed and emo), Phlegmatic (spiritual and laid-back), or Choleric (angry bastards). The borders of these four areas are tightly controlled and no travel is allowed among them.

Now let's thicken the plot. I'm sure you can see where this is going: our boy Thomas will transgress these rules, become a man against society, and seek his own identity in a world that wants conformity.

And there you have Divided Kingdom. The book was okay, as far as dystopian novels (which I generally love) go. The story was interesting, and I really got into it once I had finished the first half. However (and there's always a however, isn't there?), the book had quite a few drawbacks. For one, a society based on the four humors?? Really? That doesn't seem practical at all. And is all that description necessary? Allow me to try my hand at it:

I looked down. To the left of my foot stood a toad. He looked at me, mouth gaping. I walked on, intent on finding the doorway. The walls of the hall were grimy with handprints. I remembered I hadn't brushed my teeth yet today. There was a tiny hole at the very bottom of the left wall. I wondered if some rat hadn't gnawed its way through, trying to escape, feeling trapped in the prison of these tiny, choleric rooms...

You get the point. The above passage is, if you couldn't tell, mine. I was just trying it on for size. Thankfully, whenever I enter the Bog of Eternal Description (much like the Bog of Eternal Stench, if you can catch that clever allusion), I just use my handy-dandy skimminator which I purchased at Ye Olde Skimme Shoppe. Thus I finished half the book in just under a day's time, and I have a feeling I didn't miss out on anything important. Thomas is lost. Thomas suffers. Thomas is healed. Campbell would be proud.

The biggest drawback to the book is the ending. I won't give anything away, but you know the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas? How every one has joined hands, all friends now, singing merrily? It's kinda like that. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a dystopia?

In a nutshell: Not the most believable book-of-the-future, but mildly entertaining. Some very cool scenes.

Bibliolatry Scale: 3 out of 6 stars