Weekly Geeks 16: Geek Interview

The Rising
Brian Keene

This week’s Weekly Geeks theme pairs two Geeks, who then interview one another about their latest read-but-unreviewed work.

I was paired with the lovely Florinda, who was nice enough to offer some thought-provoking questions for the horribly disappointing The Rising by Brian Keene.

Florinda's questions appear in italics; my answers follow.

The book is described as a "post-apocalyptic zombie thriller." What piqued your interest in reading it?

I always gear up for the fall and Halloween by reading what I call “spooky reads.” I’m not sure how I heard of The Rising, but zombies scare the heck out of me, so I knew I’d have to give it a go.

Please give a spoiler-free plot summary.

The dead have risen, although they’re unlike normal zombies. They walk, they talk, they think. Our main character is trying to stay alive and save his son, who is alive in another state. Along the way, he meets other survivors. Will they make it in time?

Please share a favorite passage or quote from the book.

Honestly, there wasn’t one. The writing was rather poor, and there were several cringe-worthy moments. The dialogue was stale and clichéd, especially when the "gangstas" talked. Cringe-worthy, indeed.

Could you identify a "big idea" or theme running through the book - what was it, and how is it reinforced in the storytelling?

I suppose a theme might be the importance of family and the negative effects of science (don’t worry; that wasn’t a spoiler). The storytelling was pretty simple and ultimately a letdown, so I can’t pretend that these themes were reinforced by anything other than the most obvious of methods.

Did you have a favorite character? What did you like about him/her?

Not really. There was a deaf boy, Worm, who was endearing, but I generally found the characters to be little more than flat, shallow stereotypes.

Have you read any books by this author before? Do you think you would read any more? Why/why not?

No, and I don’t plan to read any more by this author. The poor writing and grammar issues did it for me. In fact, I admit that I skimmed the second half. It was just getting too distressing, and I don’t mean the zombies.

I noticed that you use a 6-star rating scale for the books you review. How many stars will you give this book?

I’ll give this one 1.5 out of 6 stars, but only because of the innovative twist the author added to the zombie genre. I liked that he didn’t rehash the usual zombie story, but found a way to make it different.

I have to be honest - I don't read a lot of genre fiction, and have never been a big horror fan, so it was a challenge for me to come up with questions about this book, and I'm sure there are things that I didn't think to ask about! What do you think readers should know about this book that you haven't already answered?

Readers should know it was dissatisfying. With a better editor, the book might have fared better. As it was, The Rising came across as immature and sophomoric. What could have been an intelligent horror novel was instead a major disappointment.


In a nutshell: Great premise, poor execution

Bibliolatry Scale: 1.5 out of 6 stars

* * *

In turn, I interviewed Florinda about Jancee Dunn's Don't You Forget About Me; my questions appear in italics, and her responses follow.

Can you summarize the novel in one sentence?

You may be able to go home again, but you can't go back in time.

How would you rate the plot: predictable, or just right? Fast-paced, or slow?

The last part of the story was a bit predictable, but most of it was just right, and I enjoyed seeing how it unfolded. The pace was just about right too, considering that this is more of a character-driven than plot-oriented book.

Can any lessons be learned from reading Don't You Forget About Me?

Any lessons from the book are pretty common-sense ones:

• It can be comforting to take refuge in the past when your present life throws you an ugly curveball, but it's not healthy to try to become the person you were then - or think you were.
  
• You have to grow up eventually.
  
• Being voted "least changed" at your 20th high-school class reunion is not necessarily a good thing.

However, I would suggest that this book is better read for entertainment than enlightenment.

How would you describe the main characters? Overall, were they likable and/or sympathetic, or were they difficult to relate to? Which character could you relate to the most, and why?

Lillian, the first-person narrator, is by far the most developed character in the book, and in many ways that's appropriate; it's her story, after all. I liked her a lot - she was very real. She had her quirks and flaws, and in some areas she was still falling prey to her adolescent insecurities; and unfortunately, I could relate to that all too well. I found her mostly endearing, and sometimes irritating. She was rather lacking in self-awareness, and seemed to interact more with the people in her life as she perceived them - sometimes based on long-outdated images - rather than with who they really were; I think that's part of why many of the other characters didn't seem as dimensional to me. However, even the less likable characters came across as decent, everyday people, and that portrayal is one of Dunn's strengths as a writer.

I could also relate to Lillian's circumstances, particularly early in the story - finding herself somewhat adrift in her late 30s, after the unexpected end of a long relationship, and seeking comfort in the old and familiar. I have, unfortunately, been there myself. However, I've never been eager to attend one of my high-school reunions; I think I've missed four of them so far (10th, 15th, 20th, 25th).

Don't You Forget About Me is partially set in NYC. Would you say this is a "New York City novel"? (That is, is the city a major character?) How integral is the setting to the storyline?

The setting actually is pretty important to the story, but this is not a "New York City" novel; it's a "New Jersey suburbs" novel, mostly. Most of the action takes place during Lillian's sabbatical at her parents' house during the time period surrounding her reunion, and she's truly happy to be back in the 'burbs - running at the school track, visiting the mall, speeding down the Turnpike to the Shore. I was particularly amused when she extolled the virtues of suburban CVS drugstores compared to their city cousins.

The novel is described as being "steeped in '80s-era references." Did you find these references to be overdone and distracting, or just right? What was your favorite 80s reference, and why?

I'm a couple of years older than the author, and Lillian is a few years younger yet, but I pretty much came of age in the '80's, and I enjoyed those touches. They easily could have been overdone and taken into "camp" territory, but I feel that Dunn employed them pretty well. My favorite '80's-reference scene involved Lillian driving around in her dad's car, playing an old Rick Springfield tape and remembering watching General Hospital after school, back when he was on the show (the first time - he's back now, I've heard). That was a been-there, done-that moment.

How would you describe the author's writing style? Overall, is the prose easy to read, or difficult? Can you provide a sentence or two to highlight her style?

Dunn's writing experience is in journalism and nonfiction, and her first novel is written in a fairly straightforward style in keeping with that background. She writes with heart and humor, and she's good with dialogue.

From page 58, a passage that illustrates one reason I could identify well with Lillian:

Why was it, I wondered, that when you loved a song, the feelings it evoked were so profoundly personal? Pop music always reached me in such a specific, hidden place, and my reaction to certain songs was so unthinking, so visceral, that it was almost sexual. Linear thoughts vanished completely, replaced by images and moods that I could never rationally discuss even with close friends.

Finally, what would you rate this novel, and why? Would you read more by this author?

Rating: 3.75/5 (objectively, but because I find Jancee Dunn and her writing just so likable, I would give it a subjective 4/5). When I read But Enough About Me earlier this year, I said: "There are some books that make you feel like you're just hanging out with the writer - laughing, sharing stories, spending an enjoyable afternoon...Dunn is an engaging storyteller." I would definitely hang out with her again, and look forward to reading whatever she does next.

* * *

Thanks, Florinda!!

Weekly Geeks 13: Author Photos

This week’s Weekly Geeks theme asks Geeks to post photos of authors.


There's a catch, however: photos will come without the names. Let's see if my canny readers will be able to Name! That! Author!


Dewey recommended seven different categories of author photos:

1. Photos of your favorite authors.
2. Photos of the authors you’re currently reading.
3. Photos of any authors you’ve met in person.
4. A youtube of any authors you’ve heard speak.
5. Any photos you may have of yourself with an author.
6. A photo of the author of the book you’ve most recently finished.
7. Photos of the hottest authors!


Unfortunately, numbers 3, 4, and 5 do not apply to me. Boo hoo. And I haven't read much over the last few days, so anyone who scrolls down to see my latest review will know the answer to 6. And I'm not sure of 7.

But I have lots for 1 and 2, so let's see if you can do it.


AUTHORS I AM CURRENTLY READING














PHOTOS OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS

Weekly Geeks 12:Catching Up

This week’s Weekly Geeks theme allows Geeks to catch up on those books that have been read but not yet reviewed.

I’m actually pretty good about reviewing what I’ve read; even if I don’t always do so immediately, mostly everything I read gets reviewed. There have been, however, two exceptions to this rule, and I find that they are both classics: I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (by Maya Angelou) and A Clockwork Orange (by Anthony Burgess).

I think my hesitation to review these books stems from a lack of having anything new to say about them. They're both classics, they're both amazing, neither is particularly easy to read, although for different reasons -- but still, what else can I say about them that hasn't already been said?

Enter Dewey's WG theme, which will provide a handy way for me to solve this problem.

To participate in this theme, I will:

1. List books I’ve read but haven’t reviewed yet.

2. Ask readers to ask questions about these books in the comments section of this post.

3. Later, I'll take these questions and use them in a post about each book. Like Dewey, I’ll probably turn mine into a sort of interview-review, and I'll link to everyone whose questions appear (which will probably be everyone who asks a question).

So, readers, you have your assignment! Leave your questions about either I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings and/or A Clockwork Orange below, and be on the lookout for the answers to come!

Weekly Geeks 10: Magazines

This week’s Weekly Geeks theme challenges Geeks to write about the magazines we read.

I read a lot of magazines, so I limited myself to just my subscriptions. Fortunately for the challenge (and unfortunately for my wallet), I subscribe to a lot of magazines, so this should be quite the post. (In fact, I recently had to eliminate a few subscriptions, since I really did have too many, and a few weren't even that good.)

For each magazine, I've explained a few things about it, and I've also linked to the site in case you are moved to learn more about it. Hopefully, you can find something new to enjoy!


BOOKMARKS

Hands down, Bookmarks is my favorite magazine, and it's one that should every booklover should subscribe to. I've been subscribing to this magazine for years upon years, and I never question its price or whether or not I should continue to subscribe to this magazine.

In addition to its reviews, Bookmarks offers a variety of features, such as the "Readers Recommend," "Now in Paperback," and "The Year in Books," in which the most notable books of a given year are discussed. Each issue also features an in-depth look at two or three established authors, some literary giants (like Woolf or Hemingway) and some future giants (like LeGuin). The last issue gave an overview on the world of science-fiction, which I found very helpful.

My favorite aspect of Bookmarks is its reviews. The reviews are divided into not just fiction and nonfiction, but into further categories such as "literary fiction," "crime," "science," and so on. Furthermore, the reviews are short and also feature snippets from reviews like those from The New York Times, The Washington Post, and so on. It's always good to read a variety of opinions on a book, instead of just one.


THE SUN

The Sun is one of my favorite magazines, and I've been subscribing to it for almost a decade now. I ended my subscription a few years ago in an effort to save money, and I can honestly say that I missed receiving The Sun every month. I had to return.

The Sun features fiction, personal essays, interviews, poetry, and my favorite section, "Readers Write," in which readers send short pieces in response to a particular prompt. The Sun also features excellent photography, many of which I save for use in the classroom. I like that The Sun tackles a variety of "political, social, and philosophical issues" (to quote their site), so reading The Sun is both enjoyable and enlightening. I don't always agree with the ideas presented in The Sun, but it always makes me think and reconsider my position on a subject.


WRITER'S DIGEST

Writer's Digest is another magazine I've subscribed to for years. Writer's Digest provides a lot of great advice for those wishing to improve their writing, whether that writing is nonfiction, fiction, poetry -- whatever. Writer's Digest also gives practical advice for writing queries, submitting your work, finding an agent, freelancing and so on.

I particularly like Writer's Digest because it will provide me with great articles and activities that I can use in my classroom. Once a year they feature the "101 Best Websites for Writers," which usually gives me a few new sites to add to my favorites. Overall, Writer's Digest is a must-read for anyone involved with writing.


SELF

Next, we have Self. I once subscribed to a variety of fitness magazines (I very assiduously saved exercises -- as if I was actually going to go through the endless pile of scraps later), but soon found that little of the information was new. A lot of the toning exercises began to appear again and again (although one month with a dumbbell, another with a stability ball, etc.) and I have exercise equipment anyway, so I don't really need to do their exercises.

Still, Self is good because it also contains healthy recipes that I will try (every once in awhile), and it also features girly stuff like fashion and makeup. Besides, Self is my only magazine that isn't in some way book-related, so I allow myself this one "superficial" read. The biggest benefit to subscribing to Self is that it keeps me motivated to eat right and exercise daily, and that's something I can always use!


POETS & WRITERS

Poets & Writers is another magazine that I enjoy. The first half of the magazine is devoted to interviews and articles about writers, and the second is devoted to submissions and contests and other important information for writers.

Poets & Writers has helped me discover quite a few new poets and writers; there's a section entitled "Page One" that provides the first line of a novel or of a collection of poetry, and many times I have found the first line so intriguing that I had to read the rest of the work.


POETRY

I can't say enough good things about Poetry, a monthly magazine that features poetry and commentary about poetry. I usually find myself tearing out several poems per issue to save for later.

I like that Poetry features both well-known poets as well as those with whom I'm unfamiliar. Every year they have a translation issue that features both the English translation of the poem as well as its original form. The essays that appears in the second half of the issue features critical commentary about the nature of poetry, and I'll be frank and admit that I usually skip this section. However, for anyone interested in Poetry, this magazine is absolutely necessary.


ONE STORY

One Story is a little treasure that appears once a month in my mailbox. Quite simply, the contents of this magazine are...you guessed it...one story.

According to their site, "One Story is a non-profit literary magazine that features one great short story mailed to subscribers every three weeks. Our mission is to save the short story by publishing in a friendly format that allows readers to experience each story as a stand-alone work of art and a simple form of entertainment. One Story is designed to fit into your purse or pocket, and into your life...Many of the stories we have published have won awards, and many One Story writers have gone on to publish their first (or third, or tenth) books."

To be fair, I'm not wowed by every single story I receive, but the overall quality of the pieces makes my subscription to One Story one that I can't eliminate.


MCSWEENEY'S

My subscription to McSweeney's is a new one, and so far, so good. My first issue gave me this gem by Stephen King, so I immediately considered my money well spent.

I was also happy that my first issue came not only with the magazine but also with two other booklets, one a collection of illustrations and the other of cartoons. The three booklets arrived together in this neat little box, and I enjoyed the original packaging. I still haven't read all of the first issue, but I'm enjoying it so far.


TIN HOUSE

Finally, we have Tin House. Like McSweeney's, Tin House is a literary magazine. Tin House features fiction and poetry, as well as interviews and essays and other odds and ends. I enjoy the fiction and poetry the most, especially since I'm always on the lookout for a good author I haven't read before.

I like that Tin House is STUFFED full of writing -- literally dozens of pieces litter the pages of each issue, and I have yet to finish an issue. This is a new subscription for me, so I suppose this can be forgiven.



Okay -- that's it! (I think.) Hopefully you found a new magazine to enjoy. If you can think of a magazine I might like, leave it in the comments.

Weekly Geeks 5: Alternative Forms of Story-telling

This week’s Weekly Geeks theme prompts Geeks to think about alternative forms of story-telling.

I began by choosing music videos, which can be so powerful when done well (even though they rarely are). After searching both youtube and my own music library, I decided to include other songs that tell a great story without necessarily having a kickass video.

Thus, I give you the melange of awesomeness that follows. Some songs come with a great video, and others just tell a great story on their own.

Enjoy.


TORI AMOS: SPARK

This video gives me chills when I see it and I still watch it periodically, just because. It dominates over the other videos with its superior song, story, and video. Ooh, AND it's symbolic. Perfection.





METALLICA: ONE

True, the story for this video was inspired by a novel, so obviously the video will tell a good story. Nevertheless, the song kicks major ass. Turn it up, dude! (Anyone catch that reference? Anyone?)





RAMMSTEIN: KLAVIER

This song, like most offerings from Rammstein, is both awesome and sick in the head, which is why I love them so. This isn't the official video that follows (I don't believe there is one, but it's the only one that would embed. You can go here to watch a live performance of this song, complete with English subtitles, but I'm just warning that Till's impressive torso might be a bit distracting. Till, anytime you want to just stop on over here and drag me off, cave-man like, by my hair, I won't stop you, you fabulous hunk of manmeat.)





SOUNDGARDEN: BLACK HOLE SUN

Here's an example of a song that blah-ed me until I saw the video, which endlessly entranced me. Because of the video, I came to love the song. But the real question is, why don't you come, black hole sun? Seriously. I think it'd be a cool way to go.





DEPECHE MODE: NEVER LET ME DOWN

To be fair, this video could be a bit better, but I'm still constantly amazed by the revelation that this song is about drugs. A musician on drugs? Who wrote a song about it? Shocker! (I was a rather naive youth, so sue me.)





PLACEBO: PURE MORNING

Back in the day, I so loved ol what's-his-face in this video -- SO HOT -- and then I made the mistake of seeing Placebo live, and ol what's-his-face acted like a royal prick. And NOT a very good-looking one at that. DISAPPOINTMENT. (And, yes, I know ol what's his face's name, but I much prefer to call him ol what's-his-face. So there.)





RADIOHEAD: THERE, THERE

As with most of Radiohead's songs, I don't know what the hell is going -- but I do know it looks and sounds good, so interpret away. And remember: Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.





TOOL: PRISON SEX

You know I had to include Tool in here. This one gets my vote for compelling story-telling in both song and video. Enough said.





TYPE O NEGATIVE: SEPTEMBER SUN

Cheer up, Pete! You are hot and Jenn McKeown loves you with the heat of a million suns! What else do you need out of life? And just think: anytime you need to escape Brooklyn, just take a quick jaunt down 95 and we'll hang. I'll even give you one of my coveted Heineken Premium Lights -- but only one.

THE CURE: PLAINSONG

Plainsong is cool because it tells a story in practically zero words -- the music really does the work here. There is something achingly beautiful about Plainsong, even if most of the story-telling occurs in the listener's mind.





PORTISHEAD: THE RIP

Portishead's latest album didn't get the best reviews, but those people are fools. I'm not quite sure what this video's all about, but the song is still boss. Did I just say boss? I need another Heineken. Only 99 calories a bottle, yo!





BJORK: HUMAN BEHAVIOR

This is a great song about the impossibility of understanding humans, so it's fitting that the video is equally inscrutable. It's lots of fun regardless.





So this concludes my musical story-telling post. I'm sure I've forgotten something - so if I do I might just have to pull a Sneaky Edit and act as though I remembered them all the first time. And by all means: please comment with your favorite videos, cause I can always use some recommendations.

Weekly Geeks 4: Social Issues

This week’s Weekly Geeks theme prompts Geeks to think about a social issue that interests them. I had a difficult time with this one, actually, because I wanted to pick a topic that I didn't really know anything at all about.

I ended up researching more and more about social psychology and psychological manipulation, especially fear-mongering and the like. (I know this isn't a traditional social issue, but it is a matter that directly or indirectly affects many members of society, so I'd say it counts.)

Anyway, the point is to find books that address the issue. The following are all books that I haven't read but want to read.


Brainwash: The Secret History of Mind Control, by Dominic Streatfeild

Amazon.com Product Description: What would it take to turn you into a suicide bomber? How would you interrogate a member of Al Qaeda? With access to formerly classified documentation and interviews from the CIA, the U.S. Army, MI5, MI6, and the British Intelligence Corps, acclaimed journalist Dominic Streatfeild traces the history of the world's most secret psychological procedure. From the cold war to the height of today's war on terror, groups as dissimilar as armies, religious cults, and advertising agencies have been accused of brainwashing. But what does this mean?

Is it possible to erase memories or to implant them artificially? Do heavy-metal records contain subliminal messages? Do religious cults brainwash recruits? What were the CIA and MI6 doing with LSD in the 1950s? How far have the world’s militaries really gone?

From the author of the definitive history of cocaine, Brainwash is required reading in an era of cutting-edge and often controversial interrogation practices. More than just an examination of the techniques used by the CIA, the KGB, and the Taliban, it is also a gripping, full history of the heated efforts to master the elusive, secret techniques of mind control.



You Can't Fight Tanks with Bayonets: Psychological Warfare against the Japanese Army in the Southwest Pacific

Amazon.com Product Description: A startling omission from the extensive literature on the Pacific events of World War II is an analysis of Allied psychological operations. Allison B. Gilmore makes a strong case for the importance of psychological warfare in this theater, countering the usual view of fanatical resistance by Japanese units. Gilmore marshals evidence that Japanese military indoctrination did not produce soldiers who were invulnerable to demoralization and the survival instinct.



War, Lies & Videotape: How Media Monopoly Stifles Truth, by Lenora Foerstel

Amazon.com Product Description: Newly emerging global media systems, censorship, and media ownership are examined in this collection of essays. The growing concentration of media ownership, the links between the government, the media, and the military, and the media's role in disseminating war propaganda are discussed and illustrate the need for new, alternative channels of communications to help activists break through the media monopoly. Contributors include Scott Armstrong, Ramsey Clark, and Nawal El Saadawi.



Terrorists, Victims and Society: Psychological Perspectives on Terrorism and its Consequences, by Andrew Silke

Amazon.com Product Description: In today's climate, these is a powerful need for a balanced, expert and accessible account of the psychology of terrorists and terrorism. Written by an expert team of psychologists and psychiatrists, these contributors have direct experience of working with terrorists, victims and those tasked with the enormous responsibility of attempting to combat terrorism. The first section focuses on terrorists as individuals and as groups and provides a balanced and objective insight into the psychology of terrorists; what their motivations are and what keeps them involved in terrorist groups. The second section explores the huge question of the impact of terrorism; the direct and indirect affect on victims; how societies respond and how political leaders handle the threat and consequences of terrorism. The final section focuses on the question of how to respond to terrorist threat.



The Psychology of Good and Evil: Why Children, Adults, and Groups Help and Harm Others, by Ervin Staub

Amazon.com Product Description: This book explores the roots of goodness and evil by gathering together the knowledge gained in a lifelong study of harmful or altruistic behavior. Ervin Staub has studied what leads children and adults to help others in need and how caring, helping, and altruism develop in children; bullying and youth violence and their prevention; the roots of genocide, mass killing, and other harmful behavior between groups of people; the prevention of violence; healing victimized groups and reconciliation between groups. He presents a broad panorama of the roots of violence and caring and how we create societies and a world that is caring, peaceful, and harmonious.



Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, by Robert B. Cialdini

Amazon.com Product Description: Arguably the best book ever on what is increasingly becoming the science of persuasion. Whether you're a mere consumer or someone weaving the web of persuasion to urge others to buy or vote for your product, this is an essential book for understanding the psychological foundations of marketing.

Weekly Geeks 3: Childhood Books

This week's Weekly Geeks theme (again brought to you by the lovely Dewey) involves fond memories of childhood books.

I must say: I'm really excited about doing this; I love remembering those books that instilled the love of reading that still remains with me to this day. I just hope I'll be able to remember them all -- there's so many books crammed in here that earlier ones often get pushed out.

I'm sure that, with the help of Google and a good, hard mental push back to my childhood, I'll be able to remember lots of good stuff. Here we go...


SERENDIPITY BOOKS

Books like Flutterby, Hucklebug, Morgan and Me, and others totally made my childhood. They were both fun to read and beautiful to look at, and they helped my imagination develop in ways I probably can't even fathom. In the process of performing a GIS for pictures of these books, I damn near had a conniption by remembering such characters as Shimmeree and Leo the Lop. Aw, man. I'm sorry, I can't help it, I just...have...to sing...Memories light the corners of my mind...misty water-colored memorieeeessss...of the way we were... Here's a link to more titles in case a) someone wants to check out more of the series, or (less likely) b) purchase them all for me.


DR. SEUSS BOOKS

The Dr. Seuss books are obligatory, I know, and all of them were truly pivotal in my development. I loved To Think that I Saw it on Mulberry Street (doubly fascinating because I actually did live near a Mulberry Street) and The Digging-est Dog was super cool cause I wanted to tunnel too. However, Are You My Mother? takes the cake, since it was central to my development as a Super Neurotic Individual. Before reading this book, I hadn't quite realized it was possible to lose one's mother. Such a thought introduced nights of hysterics as I pondered the loss of my own mother, and I envisioned myself a lonely soul indeed, much like the poor schmuck at the center of this book. At one point he even asks a backhoe if it's his mother. What a fucking jackass.


LITTLE WOMEN

Louisa May Alcott's Little Women was one of the first books I ever cried at. I was so sad when the boring one died. Even though Little Women is pretty melodramatic, it didn't matter. I loved to envision Jo scribbling away in her little room and I loved the sense of sisterhood shared by the girls. I was disappointed when Jo didn't get to marry Laurie (although I was, to be honest, entirely too distracted by the idea of a boy named Laurie). I was scandalized by Jo's marrying the older Professor Bhaer, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to pronounce his name. Some mysteries endure.


THE SECRET GARDEN

I currently don't have a copy of The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett, and I can only wonder why the hell not. This book had it all, and my earlier self couldn't help but love a book that featured all that I didn't have, growing up as I did in the city. First, there's a huge, beautiful (but mysterious) mansion, the great countryside that allowed for hours of play (I had a small patch of grass and was pretty much uninterested in it), and, of course, the beautiful English garden. To this day I don't think I'll ever be entirely happy without an English garden of my own. Doesn't look like it's going to happen, though. Oh well.


FAIRIES AND ELVES

When I was a child, Time Life Books introduced the Enchanted World series. As a gift, I received one of the books, Fairies and Elves. For some reason I wasn't good enough to receive the entire series. That's okay, I'm sure I cried myself to sleep only a few times over it. Somehow my childhood copy disappeared and a few years ago, I hunted down the most of the set on eBay and enjoyed a trek back into my childhood. I must not have a read a single damn word as a child, though, because most of the tales seemed unfamiliar. As a child I was entranced by the pictures. I still like pretty pictures. I shouldn't have bought the entire series, though. Another example of my going overboard, just like the fifteen brownies I pounded last week. Still paying for those bastards, I am.


THE LITTLE HOUSE BOOKS

I had this entire series, but I don't know if I ever finished them all. Maybe I did, but all I remember about them is a one-room log cabin. And the great, wide prairie. Dear god, the BOREDOM. I don't know how I felt about these books at the time, but thinking of them now gives me an almost papable sense of claustrophobia. Just picturing myself alone in a one-room log cabin with my entire family is enough to make me jump right off the roof of the nearest building. I can't even think about these books anymore -- even looking at that pasty yellow cover is enough to bring it all back. Let me just say that I enjoyed them at the time (I think) but I will never revisit ye olde little house.


SWEET VALLEY TWINS / SWEET VALLEY HIGH

These two bitches drove me insane. First of all, they were friggin perfect. And they drove a Fiat, which I still can't figure out how to pronounce to this day. Oh, and everything was "in chaos." Chaos must have been dropped like every fifty pages. Pascal must have had some kind of chaos quota. When I was younger, I thought it was pronounced cha-hoes. It's cha-hoes in here! Only much later did I learn how to actually pronounce the word. Anyway, these books were responsible for my believing my teen years were supposed to be waaaay better than they were. No wonder I was so damn depressed as a youth. I was led to believe every teen was supposed to be like these two freaks. Now they're coming out with an updated version, and they're going to be even skinnier. I'm sure that will help young girls feel just grreat. By the way, how old is that dude the slut twin's dating up there? He looks like he's about 35. Good lord.


BABYSITTER'S CLUB

What a bunch of losers these kids were. Let's start a club about babysitting. Yeah, whatever. I still loved these books, and I probably started an equally lame club in the spirit of their club. While I was a fan of these books, ironically enough, I never babysat. That came later, when my brother was born, and by that point, I didn't want to babysit, and no lame club would have convinced me it was fun, either. That was the thing about those books: the babysitting took a backseat to the friendships, which was all fine and well -- until you finally got a kid alone and thought it was going to be just peachy, just like in the books. And then he starts climbing the bookcase and calling you a fucking asshole and all of a sudden you're reminded that reality BLOWS.


CHRISTOPHER PIKE

Man, I think that if someone were to have threatened my collection of Christopher Pike books, I would have cut his shit UP. These books were my heroin, my ecstasy, they were my life. This isn't surprising, given my penchant for scary movies. Christopher Pike books gave you all the thrill of scary movies ONLY IN BOOKS. That's genius!! Unfortunately, I'm afraid they won't stand the test of time. I bought a bunch last summer (again, on eBay) and I started to read Chain Letter again but it just wasn't the same. I don't know what I did with all my old Pike books; I feel like there's got to be a secret room in my mom's house that is currently containing all my lost treasures. Shit, it could have the Holy Grail in there for all I know. What I DO know is that I'm missing a shitload of stuff from over the years and I know myself too damn well to know that I'd never willingly give away a book, much less my Christopher Pike books. So mom, if you're reading this, your mission is to FIND MY STUFF. Seriously, there's an awesome sweater I just know is out there somewhere. Better get cracking!

* * *

Hm. It seems that, in the process of writing this post, I've realized that ALL of these books are gone. WHERE ARE ALL MY OLD BOOKS, MOM??? She's gotta be hoarding them, I just know it. Like every once in awhile she'll just go into this secret box to inhale the stench of my childhood. She never did want me to get older. Like when I first entered high school, I wasn't allowed to hem my skirt, cause god forbid I'd look older. So here's me, the asshole with the skirt down practically to her ankles. And if she had her way, I'd still be there. ADMIT IT, MOM. Now give me back my books.