I will not make a finger joke, I will not make a finger joke, Iwillnotmakeafingerjoke

Fingersmith
Sarah Waters

Sarah Waters is one of those authors I often hear praised, but yet have never read myself. After a respected fellow booklover (Nymeth from things mean a lot) told me to read Fingersmith, I thought I could excuse myself from my darned resolution to try a little Waters. AND THANK HEAVENS I DID.

Fingersmith is many things -- thriller, mystery, Gothic romance -- but the one thing it's not is predictable. Just when you think you've put your finger on it (sorry, I could only hold out so long...just count your blessings it wasn't a worse finger joke, cause I have a few), you find out you're wrong.

First, a warning: If you think you're interested in this novel, I'd stay away from any online summaries. I read them after the fact, and they give a wee bit more information than is strictly necessary. I only read the book's back cover, and that suited me just fine. Anything more is too much.

A quick, spoiler-free overview: Sue Trinder is an orphan raised by thieves in Victorian England. Despite the excitement of living outside the law, life really picks up when "Gentleman," a member of their merry band, arrives with a plan to make their fortunes. His plan is simple: dupe a rich girl into marrying him, then dump her in a madhouse. Sue, acting as maid to said rich girl, is to aid Gentleman's plot by talking him up. It won't be long before the marriage is legalized and the riches are shared. Huzzah!

Of course, it won't be that easy. I could say more, but in this case, I think the rest of the plot is better left unsaid. What follows is a complex and intricate plot that twists and turns much like Sue's native Borough. This hefty novel (about 600 pages) flew by in quick gulps, and I finished it faster than novels half its length.

True, it's not perfect: there were a few elements I'd like better explained at the end, and a couple things that didn't really make sense to me, but these trivialities pale in the face of the novel's entirety. My biggest complaint is that I didn't read it in the fall, because it would be perfect in October thanks to a hefty dose of fog and mist, a dark and oppressive English manor, one or two madhouses, and, of course, the cramped and dirty streets of London. Did I mention the fog?

In a nutshell: With its gorgeous prose, riveting plot, and enthralling characters, Fingersmith delivers on all counts. Now, the only question that remains is, which Waters' novel should I next read?

Bibliolatry Scale: 5 out of 6 stars

A world rich with lunacy and sorrow

The World According to Garp
John Irving

Don't think I haven't forgotten my reading resolution; I've just given myself some slack with it. Instead of reading ONLY resolution titles, I'm allowing myself the occasional splurge, but I'm still plugging on.

My latest resolution title is one that gave me some trouble at first. I started reading The World According to Garp at the beginning of May, but it took me awhile to really get into the story. The beginning of the novel, which seemed like so much unnecessary backstory (more about this in a sec), weighed me down and prevented me from reading faster. However, once Garp got out of high school, the story picked up and I couldn't put it down.

Although I found the beginning of the book slow, I wouldn't delete a single word now that I look back on it. We begin well before Garp's birth by meeting his mother, Jenny. Garp himself doesn't make an appearance right away, but, while this information bored me at first, I soon found that it allowed me to truly come to know Garp and his family as though they were flesh and blood.

I feel as though I'm the only person left who hasn't yet read this book (or seen the movie starring Robin Williams. Really? Robin Williams as Garp? I wouldn't have thunk it), so a summary probably isn't necessary, but here goes: Garp's born, he's a bit quirky, his mother's even quirkier, Garp becomes a writer, shit happens to him and a lot of others and life goes on. That's pretty much the entire book, and yet it's somehow so much more. In fact, I felt as though I lived a lifetime while reading about Garp.

In a nutshell: Has anyone read anything else by John Irving? Because Garp was so good, I'm going back for seconds. Irving also has a new novel out in October, entitled Last Night in Twisted River... so be on the lookout, Irving fans!

Bibliolatry Scale: 5 out of 6 stars

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

No, I haven't really gone fishin (anyone who knows me knows I'd last about two seconds before resigning in boredom), but I will be away from all that is Internetty for about 10 days.

I have scheduled a few posts to appear in my absence, so it will seem as though I'm routinely posting, but don't be offended if I don't reply to comments or emails. I'll tend to them all after I return, so please go ahead and comment away.

Hope you all have a lovely week ahead and that many good reads come your way.

A smarter review of the behemoth

Drood
Dan Simmons

Although I've already reviewed Drood here, I wrote another, more "legit" review for the awesome Pajiba. This new review is a little longer, better developed, and a little less "omg Dan Simmons Iloveyou."

If you'd like to read it, by all means, click here.

Learning to free ourselves from insane passion for the truth

The Name of the Rose
Umberto Eco

Once upon a time -- forever ago, it seems -- I was in high school. My years at this drab institution were colored by a variety of characters, including one particular young lady whom I'll call...Jane.

Jane was one of those annoying little twits who was too smart for her own damn good. Of course, being smart is never a bad thing -- unless, like Jane, you take every opportunity to shove your erudition into the face of EVERY SINGLE PERSON within a 10-mile radius.

a dead-ringer for the little know-it-all snit

(True story, though: During my senior year, members of my physics class were forced to take a national test euphemistically called "The Physics Bowl." Why labeling a test as a "bowl" should make it more palatable is beyond me, but, as it didn't affect my actual grade, I didn't really sweat it. Anyway, as they announced the winners -- and here I shit you not -- Jane stood to accept the grand prize...only they didn't call her name. Who did win, you ask? ME! She was none too happy that I had taken the highly-coveted (snort) prize, and even more embarrassed that she had stood to collect a prize that wasn't hers. I still have that plaque to this day. Victory = mine.)

Why do I bring this up? Well, as much as I hate to say it, Umberto Eco reminds me of my old nemesis, Jane. Like Jane, Eco loves showing off how much he knows, as he did the last time I encountered him. Still, EVERYONE praises The Name of the Rose, and it was another title in my reading resolution, so I plowed though like any good reader would do.

For those who don't know, The Name of the Rose follows William of Baskerville, a monk who investigates a death at a monastery. With him is his loyal but obtuse sidekick, Adso. William is a unique monk, since he is quite rational and given to logical arguments, even if logic leads him to beliefs counter to those of the Catholic Church. The Church is in upheaval at this time, and heresies are not taken lightly. But what, exactly, is heresy? Is it heresy to believe that Jesus owned property, or that he didn't? Is it heresy to believe that Jesus laughed? These monks argued such issues NONSTOP. Really, it was a bit much after the third or fifth (or tenth) such argument.

In truth, The Name of the Rose is a great book, but I just wish Eco didn't put in EVERYTHING he knew about the times, the beliefs, the customs, etc. of the period. However, the central issue of the whodunit is what really pushed me to the end. I was fascinated by the mysterious library at the center of the abbey, loved the Borges connections, enjoyed the semiotics at the heart of the novel, and found the ultimate solution to the mystery quite compelling.

In a nutshell: I'd have liked it more if there had been less arguing and more murdering. Just kidding, at least as far as the murdering goes. But seriously, some paring down and I'd have adored it. Still, I recognize that I'll appreciate it even more after I reread it...in a few years.

Bibliolatry Scale: 4 out of 6 stars

Take a ride on the Insane Train

Chariots of the Gods
Erich von Daniken

Every once in awhile, I've had it with reality. When this happens, I make myself a very special treat. I take a hefty dose of ground-up vicodin and a few tablespoons of some quality methamphetamine and sprinkle them all over my Lucky Charms. You might think I next add milk to this healthy concoction, but you'd be wrong. Gin is the only way to complement this tasty confection. Sweet, cheap gin. Then I turn on Intervention and laugh and laugh and laugh.

It was on one of these galactic escapades that I met Erich von Daniken. He started to tell me all kinds of crazy shit, like God is really an interstellar astronaut. Then he took a big hit on a glass bong and flew up into the heavens on his great purple wings. Now that's some good shit!

Drugs are bad, kids

Usually I chalk up such visions to an overdose, but I kept thinking of him long after the meds had worn off. That's when I found Chariots of the Gods. It wasn't a dream after all!

Using points from the Bible and other religious scriptures, von Daniken theorizes that, long ago, interstellar astronauts came to earth and bred with us. They returned at other key moments in our development and didn't always like what they found. When that happened, they just killed us off, a la Noah and the great flood. He uses Egyptian and Sumerian art to argue that what are assumed to be depictions of the gods are really depictions of interstellar travelers.

To be fair, von Daniken doesn't assert that his theories are true. He does, however, believe that more research is needed. At times, he argues convincingly (he is at his most convincing when comparing the mythologies of several early cultures), but not at others. A lot of the book is simply question-raising. Why do we see this? Why do we believe that? Why do high-waisted pants make women look fat?

In a nutshell: Many questions, few answers, but interesting overall. Until we meet again, von Daniken.

Bibliolatry Scale: 3.5 out of 6 stars

A Return to Simpler Times

The Food of a Younger Land
Mark Kurlansky

This is a hard book to summarize, so I'm going to allow the book jacket to do the honors:

Award-winning New York Times–bestselling author Mark Kurlansky takes us back to the food and eating habits of a younger America: Before the national highway system brought the country closer together; before chain restaurants imposed uniformity and low quality; and before the Frigidaire meant frozen food in mass quantities, the nation’s food was seasonal, regional, and traditional. It helped form the distinct character, attitudes, and customs of those who ate it.

In the 1930s, with the country gripped by the Great Depression and millions of Americans struggling to get by, FDR created the Federal Writers’ Project under the New Deal as a make-work program for artists and authors. A number of writers, including Zora Neale Hurston, Eudora Welty, and Nelson Algren, were dispatched all across America to chronicle the eating habits, traditions, and struggles of local people. The project, called “America Eats,” was abandoned in the early 1940s because of the World War and never completed.

The Food of a Younger Land unearths this forgotten literary and historical treasure and brings it to exuberant life. Mark Kurlansky’s brilliant book captures these remarkable stories, and combined with authentic recipes, anecdotes, photos, and his own musings and analysis, evokes a bygone era when Americans had never heard of fast food and the grocery superstore was a thing of the future. Kurlansky serves as a guide to this hearty and poignant look at the country’s roots. From New York automats to Georgia Coca-Cola parties, from Arkansas possum-eating clubs to Puget Sound salmon feasts, from Choctaw funerals to South Carolina barbecues, the WPA writers found Americans in their regional niches and eating an enormous diversity of meals. From Mississippi chittlins to Indiana persimmon puddings, Maine lobsters, and Montana beavertails, they recorded the curiosities, commonalities, and communities of American food.

I was fascinated by the eating habits of America's younger years, and even marked a few recipes to try later. The book is divided into geographical sections (the Northeast, the Southwest, etc.) and I enjoyed seeing how traditions varied from place to place.

In fact, in reading The Food of a Younger Land I couldn't help but think the authors of The Liberation Diet would enjoy this book. In the past, Americans ate lots of whole-fat foods, lots of animal fats, and lots of locally grown produce. I'm still not swayed.

In a nutshell: This is not a book to be read straight-through, as one would a novel, but rather to be digested slowly, in small bites, as one would a sumptuous feast.

Bibliolatry Scale: 5 out of 6 stars

If it tastes good, spit it out

The Liberation Diet: Setting America Free from the Bondage of Health Misinformation!
Kevin Brown and Annette Presley

For the record, I think diet books and weight-loss plans are stupid. As someone who has struggled with her weight (and who has lost a good amount of poundage as well), I know losing weight isn't easy. Sure, I'd like nothing more than to eat pizza and french fries while sitting my ass on the sofa with a good book, but doing so will prevent me looking the way I want to look. Eating healthy foods, eating smaller portions, and exercising daily are unfortunately the only way to go.

The authors of The Liberation Diet, however, take issue with the current notion of what constitutes "healthy" food. In fact, they even go so far as to say that a lot of exercise isn't necessary. Hm. You know what they say: if it sounds too good to be true...

First, a run down of some of their main points:

1. Crisco is actually industrial waste marketed as a healthy alternative to lard and butter. Beware this and other false foods.

2. The USDA food guide pyramid (with the base -- and largest portion -- devoted to grains) was specifically designed to boost the sale of agricultural products; it was NOT designed to promote health. In fact, a great number of industries benefit from our current food guide pyramid -- not individual Americans and their health. Instead, one should buy locally grown, fresh food, which cannot be mass produced and distributed.

3. Animal fats are good for you - in fact, the authors note that "the heart gets its fuel from saturated fat, and it is the only organ in the body that does not succumb to cancer."

4. Carbohydrates (even whole grains) make you fat and one should not eat more than two servings of them a day.

5. Calorie counting is a waste of time because there is no way to be totally sure how many calories are being consumed or burned at any given time.

6. Instead of following the current recommendation of several small meals a day, one should eat 2 to 3 meals a day.

7. One should only eat breakfast if hungry.

8. Fasting, at least in moderation, is good.

9. Pretty much ignore food labels, since many are misleading. However, if a food has more than 12g of carbs or 5g of sugar, don't eat it.

10. Exercise accounts for only 20% of weight loss; diet accounts for 80%.


THE GOOD

1. Many of their points are sound, but a lot are common sense. It should hardly come as a surprise that Crisco is a fake food and therefore bad for you.

2. As for point #3 above, it sounds good, but then again those six vodka-cranberries sounded good to me last Friday, and look where they got me.

3. I'm all about point #9. In fact, I'll go even further and say that if there isn't at least 4g of fiber in those 12g, pass on it.


THE BAD

1. The exclamation mark at the end of the super-long title is a bit twee, don't you think?

2. I wholly disagree with their stance on calorie counting. I know we can never be totally sure of how many calories we consume (then again, can we ever be truly sure of anything? sigh.), but to discount calorie counting as a whole seems a bit dumb. I personally got my chubby ass in to some EXTREMELY TINY pants through constant calorie counting and daily exercise AND YES I COULD CUT A BITCH AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF SUCH DEPRIVATION but it was all worth it. Right? Right????

3. Fasting may be good in theory, but just ask my husband how lovely I am after I haven't eaten for a few hours.

4. I take issue with point #7. I'm very pro-breakfast. In fact, I'm a big fan of the "inverted pyramid" approach to eating: my breakfast is my biggest meal, lunch is medium-sized, and my dinner is quite small. Takes some getting used to but has worked quite well for me.

And that, ultimately, is what I think many need to keep in mind when it comes to dieting: what works for one person might not work for another. So take this approach with a grain of salt. But not too much salt. Salt makes you bloated, even if it IS quite tasty.

In a nutshell: I still say eat a little and exercise a lot, but what do I know? Still, The Liberation Diet taught me some things I didn't know, reaffirmed some things I did, and made me disagree with still others.

Bibliolatry Scale: 3.5 out of 6 stars

The power of Twitter

Lottery
Patricia Wood

Truly we live in an age of wonders: Twitter has saved me from hating a book.

Lottery recounts the story of 32-year-old Perry L. Crandall, a slow adult who happens to win the lottery. With an IQ of 76 (one point higher than those deemed mentally retarded), Perry is nevertheless in danger of getting taken advantage of, and false friends (and family) appear on all sides immediately after his big win. Thankfully, Perry keeps in mind the sage advice of his late grandmother and experiences both ups and downs as he learns to deal with his newfound fame and fortune.

Despite its readability, it was taking me forever to get through Lottery. I found it cloying, too perfect, too predictable. The narrator was just oh-so wonderful, the antagonists too facile. Add to these the fact that Lottery was deemed one of the Washington Post Book World's Best Books of the Year, and my indignation was nearly complete.

I was about to throw the book across the room after nearly suffocating from the sickeningly sweet nature of Mr. Perry L. -- by the way, the L. stands for Lucky (gag me) -- Crandall, when I happened across a tweet by one Mr. Nigel Beale (@nigelbeale). Beale, whose litblog Nota Bene Books is well worth your time if you aren't already familiar with it, tweeted that "a book should be evaluated in terms of its capacity to elicit 'real' feelings rather than upon how 'realistic' it might be."

Right: Patricia Wood, not Nigel Beale (obviously)

Beale's tweet couldn't have arrived at a more fortuitous moment. Upon reading these words, I was immediately chagrined. I was condemning Lottery because I believed Perry much too insightful for a man with an IQ of 76. I was criticizing the unrealistic superficiality and one-sidedness of the antagonists and hating the unrealistic "good" characters, who were equally superficial. The whole thing's totally unrealistic! I crowed.

And then, I encountered a scene in the final third of the book. Despite my previous feelings about the novel, this scene -- a wholly unexpected one, I might add -- elicited real tears. (Nevermind that I cry at the drop of a hat.) What had happened? The unbelievable had occurred: Lottery had moved me.

And so, what had been a mediocre, predictable read was transformed into . . . well, if not a outstanding read, at least a moving experience. I came to care for Perry and had his best interests at heart. The rest of the book flew by in a blur of pages, and I finished Lottery feeling as though I had spent my time well.

Lesson learned. Many thanks, Mr. Beale.

In a nutshell: A fast, easy, enjoyable read with a lovable main character, Lottery elicits real feelings, even if it may not always seem realistic.

Bibliolatry Scale: 4 out of 6 stars

Denis Cooverman Scores One for the Nerds...sorta

I Love You, Beth Cooper
Larry Doyle

I have to thank HarperCollins for offering I Love You, Beth Cooper in its entirety for free, online. This offer was for a limited time only, but you can try clicking here to see if the offer is still valid. Without this offer, I probably wouldn't have read Doyle's book, and it would have been to my loss.

Denis (one uncomfortable letter away from penis) Cooverman, who speaks nine languages (three of them real), delivers the valedictorian speech at his high school graduation. Deciding to make the most of an opportunity he'll never have again, he decides to let loose about what he really thinks about his peers, especially concerning his love for one Beth Cooper, the hottest girl in school (or at least in Denis' eyes).

What happens as a result of this speech is definitely not in any of the few scenarios imagined by Denis. Denis and his totally-straight best friend soon find themselves experiencing the night of their lives: Denis gets injured more times than is humanly possible; has several encounters with Beth's crazed, military boyfriend; and finally comes to know the real Beth Cooper.

With a nod to more than a few teen movies, Larry Doyle pens a madcap, fast-paced tale. It's not perfect: my biggest beef was with the abrupt (and slightly repetitive) ending. I could have done without a few scenes, including one especially groan-worthy (and unnecessary) scene involving a contact lens. That said, I genuinely laughed out loud several times during the novel, so I think the karmic scales are balanced.

In a nutshell: A perfect summer read. I look forward to the film version later this year (although MY Beth Cooper would never be Hayden Panty-whatsherface).

Bibliolatry Scale: 4 out of 6 stars

Reading Resolution: May Update

Simply put, May sucked. My general reading sucked, and my reading resolution sucked harder. Why? I was feeling so invigorated, reading-wise. And yet: suckage. Prepare yourselves.

RESOLUTION TITLES READ IN MAY: 0

Zero? ZERO?!?

Zero.

NON-RESOLUTION TITLES READ IN MAY: 4

Brown, Dan. Angels and Demons
Oliver, Mary. Evidence: Poems
Vidal, Gore. Julian
Wray, John. Lowboy


TOTAL TITLES READ IN MAY: 4

CURRENT RESOLUTION PROGRESS: 25 / 88

TOTAL BOOKS READ IN 2009: 33

Angels & Demons: Skim and Toss

Angels and Demons
Dan Brown

To be fair, I went into this one with eyes wide open. I knew the writing would be sub-par, some scenes would be melodramatic, and the plot gripping. For the most part, I hit the nail right on the head.

I won't go into the plot, since most people are already familiar with it. Basically, the novel follows symbologist Robert Langdon, who gets embroiled in a mystery that plots the Catholic Church against those who champion science. Of course, Langdon is in a race against time ... yadda yadda yadda.

That said, I enjoyed reading, even if skimming was way too easy. The characterization was a bit shallow, and many points were foreseeable. However, the worst aspect for me was the overly-simple nature of the prose. I would have liked to see this novel written by one with a way with words. In better hands, this novel could have been more than just a page-turner.

In a nutshell: Predictable in places, groan-worthy in others, gripping in still others. A perfect beach book.

Bibliolatry Scale: 3 out of 6 stars