The first-ever psychic interview?

Eeeee Eee Eeee
Tao Lin

So late last night, I’m dead asleep when I feel a tapping on my forehead. Did the roof spring a leak? I wonder groggily. Nope, it’s clear as soon as I open my eyes that nothing near me has caused the rapping on my head. Musta been a dream. I shut my eyes again.

Seconds later: tap, tap, tap.

“What the hell?” I ask no one. My sleeping puppy looks at me sadly, awakened for no reason.

Ssh, a voice in my head whispers. Stop talking. I’m in your head.

“Who the hell are you?”

Ssh, I said. I can hear you think. You don’t have to talk. I’m Tao Lin. You read my book a few weeks ago. I can’t help but wonder: what’s up with the review? It’s been awhile.

Oh shit. Um...no it hasn’t...I’m backlogged. Good lord, who let this guy in? Methinks Club Bib needs a new bouncer.

Yeah, sure. If saying so’ll help you feel better, then go for it. Tao Lin sounds angry.

I decide honesty is the best policy. Fine, look. I just didn’t know what to say about it. Quite frankly, it confused me. And I’m not really sure I liked it. There, I’ve said it.

That’s what I thought. Shall we discuss it? Why don’t you interview me? I’m a very interesting person.

Um, okay, although I have to say this is quite unconventional. Do you enter every reader’s brain in this way?

No, just yours. Now I think you should switch to the more traditional interview format so you can dispense with those annoying html tags.

BIBLIO: Thanks. All those tags were highly annoying.

TL: I’m sure. Now let’s talk about me and my Eeeee Eee Eeee, shall we?

BIBLIO: If we have to. To be quite honest, I found it really disturbing. It just didn’t sit right with me.

TL: Good. That’s what I wanted. I think, since I’m really an extension of your psyche and not the actual Tao Lin. Anyway, what about my book made you feel this way?

BIBLIO: Well, it just seemed so aimless, so pointless. I guess you were illustrating the character’s own sense of isolation and depression, but when I read it I just felt...vacant.

TL: Vacant?

BIBLIO: Empty.

TL: Huh.

BIBLIO: Yeah. Nothing happened. Andrew just drives around and feels depressed. And thinks about going on killing rampages. And what’s up with the animals?

TL: The animals?

BIBLIO: Yeah, the talking dolphin, hamster, etc. And why do you hate Elijah Wood so much?

TL: Who said I hate Elijah Wood?

BIBLIO: Well in your book you kill him. More than once. And Salman Rushdie. Speaking of which, would you like to bet on who the next ex-Mrs. Rushdie will be?

TL: Don’t you think that’s kinda juvenile?

BIBLIO: This from the man who added talking dolphins to his book.

TL: Touche. Fine, I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.

BIBLIO: I knew it! Why do you bash Wood and Rushdie and leave psychos like Ann Coulter unscathed? Ann Coulter lover!

TL: I think you’re taking this all a bit too literally.

BIBLIO: You make me want to go on a killing rampage.

TL: Now you’re getting it! Aren’t you feeling the boredom, the angst, the rage of your generation?

BIBLIO: Yeah, thanks for pointing that out.

TL: I’m getting bored with you. Entertain me.

BIBLIO: Eeeee Eee Eeee.

TL: Now you’re being lazy.

BIBLIO: What’s the point?

TL: Exactly.

In a nutshell: Not an uplifting read, Eeeee Eee Eeee will give you much to think about. Tao Lin is definitely someone to watch.

TL: Wait, before you go you really should mention my blog.

BIBLIO: Yeah, yeah.

TL: Don’t act like you don’t visit. I’ve seen your ISP on sitemeter.

BIBLIO: Go ef yourself.

Bibliolatry Scale: 3 out of 6 stars