Embrace your Inner Thetan

Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography
Andrew Morton

I remember being a wee lass and seeing commercials for L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics on tv. It was such a neat commercial – there was a volcano, and a loud, booming voice, and so it seemed to me like a really cool book. Then again, I was eight.

I begged my mom to get it for me. She refused. The voracity with which she denied my request astounded me, and I believed at the time that, when she said the book was “bad for me,” it had some kinda crazy sex in it. I quickly moved on to less damaging reads, such as Red Dragon, helping to create the neurotic being I am today -- which is, of course, far preferable to being a Scientologist.

With that in mind, I give you my latest review for Pajiba, on Andrew Morton's unauthorized biography of the joke that has become Tom Cruise. I really enjoyed it, if you can't tell by reading my review. It's all here.

In a nutshell: Fascinating, although I'm finding myself strangely attracted to David Miscavige. I know he's crazy, but if he tried to make out with me, I wouldn't push him away. I'm just saying.

Bibliolatry Scale: 5 out of 6 stars

An Open Letter to the Creators of Guitar Hero

Dear Evil Genuises who devised Guitar Hero III:

I'm not a very demonstrative person, being generally reserved as I am, but I must say: I love you.

Seriously.

I have never seen your faces, but I love you all.

Guitar Hero III has filled the void in my life, giving me a purpose I have never before experienced. Nevermind the hallucinations brought on by hours of game play. Nevermind the back and shoulder pain caused by hours of holding a fake guitar. I'm sure it's nothing serious. An artist must sacrifice for her craft.

If I can tear myself away from my television long enough to ever have a child, I will consider naming my firstborn after you. Unless, of course, you have some kinda lame Hollywood name like Stone Piper Megawatt Dixon IV.

In a nutshell: There is no better way to achieve world peace than Guitar Hero III. Hallelujah!

Bibliolatry Scale: 1 billion out of 6 stars

What would you do?

Via Three Percent, I came across this interesting article regarding Nabokov's last, unfinished work.

Nabokov expressly ordered that this unfinished work be burned. And yet, according to his son, charged with carrying out his father's orders, this last work "would have been a brilliant, original, and potentially totally radical book, in the literary sense very different from the rest of his oeuvre."

I'd never be able to burn it, no matter how much I can understand Nabokov's wishes. I'd set it loose upon the world, errors and inconsistencies be damned.

What would you do?

Oh, the shame

In "real life," I'm addicted to facebook. Why? For the life of me, I can't tell you. I'm a grown woman, dammit. I have like 10 friends on the stupid thing. And yet...I'm so addicted. Obviously, it was only a matter of time until I set one up for Bibliolatry.

Don't judge me.

Oh, and, while you're at it, feel free to friend me. Everyone knows that virtual friends are the best.

If dogs could talk

The Dogs of Babel
Carolyn Parkhurst

I have to say that I have an unhealthy love for my three dogs. (I also have a cat, but she’s a bitch so I don’t speak of her often. No, seriously, she is a ROYAL bitch. She actually had the balls to leave a turd on the floor because I didn’t say hello to her quickly enough. Asshole.)

But my dogs are like my children, and don’t you dare tell me that they are just dumb animals and that I anthropomorphize them into having human qualities. They are human, dammit. Humans with fur and an extra set of legs.

But I don’t kid myself: if I die alone and no one finds me for days, these bastards will totally eat my ass. I just know it. I just better be truly dead or someone’s getting a beating.

aw HELL no

That’s not quite what happens in Carolyn Parkhurst’s Dogs of Babel. When Lexi suddenly dies, her dog, Lorelei, doesn’t eat her; instead, Lorelei barks for attention until help arrives. Lexi’s death is an odd one, and it sends her husband, Paul, into a tailspin. Lexi, not known for being adventurous, has fallen from a tree in their backyard. Paul cannot help but wonder: did Lexi fall accidentally...or on purpose?

Plagued by the uncertainty surrounding his wife’s death, Paul does the only logical thing a man in his circumstances can do: he decides to teach his dog to speak. His rationale goes something like this: Lorelei is the sole witness to Lexi’s death; ergo, she must know what happened. One only needs to figure out how to get Lorelei to spill the beans.

The Dogs of Babel follows Paul’s quest to know what Lorelei saw on the day of his wife’s death. Parkhurst’s exploration of grief is mostly sound, although a few scenes, especially those in which Paul meets with people who perform experiments on dogs in an effort to get them to speak, were a bit silly and unnecessary.

Overall, I found The Dogs of Babel to be intriguing despite its flaws. True, many elements were very convenient and highly improbable, but it did make me wonder what, if anything, my own dogs would tell me if they could. It would probably be something along the lines of, "Put the book down and pet me."

In a nutshell: A quick read that often doesn’t make a whole lotta sense...but it kept me interested while I was reading. Ultimately, it doesn’t say anything new and is quickly forgotten.

Bibliolatry Scale: 3 out of 6 stars

pretty much whatever

King Dork
Frank Portman

Nothing defined my teenage years like depressing music and good books, and I know that nearly everyone can agree that music is never better than when you’re in high school. I spent my teens listening to Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson and feeling as though these heroin-addicted men truly understood my adolescent female torment, as evidenced by such classic tunes like "Cake and Sodomy."

Meanwhile, as I was listening to music that made me want to crawl in a hole and die, I was busy reading crap like the Sweet Valley High series. That Lila Fowler was such a bitch!

Bitch will cut you

Another literary vice of mine – and I’m using the term “literary” very loosely – was Christopher Pike. That man could have shit on paper and I would have paid top dollar for the pleasure of reading it. Just kidding! I didn’t have money back then. I really mean I would have made my mom pay top dollar. Christopher Pike books were kinda like Sweet Valley High, only with monsters and murder. In an unfortunate sidenote, I recently spent some good money on a bunch of Pike books in hopes of finding myself as enraptured as I was in high school. Needless to say, some things are best left in the past.

Tom Henderson, the star of King Dork, feels the same way I do. This high-school nerd spends his time obsessing about music and trying to avoid reading The Catcher in the Rye for what seems like the billionth time. Things change, however, when he comes across his deceased father’s copy of the book. Tom finds more than just a well-known classic – he finds a mystery inside, a mystery that only he can unravel. Convinced that this book holds the secret to his father’s death, Tom is determined to learn exactly what happened that fateful night. In the process, he reads other good books, plans to make out with girls, and gets his band underway.

That’s right. Tom’s in a band, a fact that, in my humble opinion, prevents him from being much of a dork. I think anyone can argue that bands = cool. True, for much of the book he’s talks about being in a band more than he actually makes music, but still. Of course, Tom is subject to the ridicule and sometimes physical assaults of his peers (and even of his teachers). Still, I’m pretty sure that, barring disfiguring acne or nasty body odor, Tom is someone I would have dug in high school.

While reading King Dork, I was put off by something that I could not quite put my finger on. I enjoyed the book, but something prevented me from enjoying it more fully. After having finished it, I learned that King Dork is technically a book for “young adults.” Somehow this knowledge makes a big difference, and I like it all the more after knowing that King Dork is aimed at a younger audience.

In a nutshell: If King Dork taught me anything, it’s that you can name a band (and, by extension, a blog post) pretty much whatever. (See?) Light and fun, King Dork is a coming-of-age tale with a contemporary twist.

Bibliolatry Scale: 4 out of 6 stars

And, out of curiosity, what music got you through those rough teenage years? Post your teen favorites in the comments.

The Longest Title EVER

The Fall of the House of Bush: The Untold Story of How a Band of True Believers Seized the Executive Branch, Started the Iraq War, and Still Imperils America's Future
Craig Unger

My latest review for the good people over at Pajiba is up, for a book that is astounding for, among other things, its amazingly long title: The Fall of the House of Bush: The Untold Story of How a Band of True Believers Seized the Executive Branch, Started the Iraq War, and Still Imperils America's Future.

Spurred on by allusions to Poe, I was hoping for a little more incest (well, any incest), but Fall was all about politics. Shocking. So although it lacked an abundance of really juicy scandals, it was an interesting analysis of America's past, present, and future -- but I doubt it will earn any converts.

You can read my review here.

In a nutshell: Interesting, but not as interesting as I'd thought it would be. Felt like a reallly long research paper.

Bibliolatry Scale: 4 out of 6 stars

Do you read a poem a day?

180 More: Extraordinary Poems for Every Day
edited by Billy Collins

I've been dreading writing this review (even though I should have done so months ago) because I simply have nothing to say about this collection.

I loved it and thoroughly recommend it, but there is absolutely nothing to say about it, other than it's a must-read for poetry fans. But that's not really interesting.

To explain, 180 More is a collection of contemporary poetry edited by Billy Collins, American Poet Larueate from 2001-2003. A prime goal of his is to teach high-school students to love poetry, an aim of mine as well. To that end, Collins edited this collection (as well as its predecessor, which I will review later) so that students could read (and, more importantly, enjoy) a poem a day. As a high-school English teacher myself, I know this aim is admirable but often easier said than done. However anyone, student or not, will find something to love in this collection.

This collection helps achieve Collins goal by including poetry that is both "simple" (although such a word is misleading) and powerful. Furthermore, this is poetry that does not need scanning, counting, and dissecting. Such activities are not what poetry lovers do when they sit down to read poetry -- it's what they do when they show off.

However, don't believe that 180 More features only facile contemporary poetry that contributes to the mediocrity of thought and dumbing-down of education that is so frequently seen today. This collection provides both simplicity and depth -- a refreshing change for students (and non-students alike) who equate poetry with painful over-analysis. The poetry here is not overly difficult to read (at least at a surface level), but it frequently provides great insight, especially upon further reading.

In a nutshell: Everyone will find something to love here. A must for poetry lovers, and an even greater must for those looking to get more involved in contemporary poetry.

Bibliolatry Scale: 5 out of 6 stars

The First Annual Bibliolatry Awards

I've been dreading a recap of my year's readings, because I knew all the linking would be a pain in the ass. Not surprisingly, it was.

To follow is a list of all the books I've read this year. All links are internal and will take you to my review. At the end of this post, I'll give out some awards.


JANUARY

1. Divided Kingdom, by Rupert Thomson
2. White Apples, by Jonathan Carroll
3. Revenge, by Stephen Fry
4. The Thirteenth Tale, by Diane Setterfield
5. Earth Abides, by George Stewart
6. Freakonomics, by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner


FEBRUARY

7. Fallen, by David Maine
8. Mailman, by J. Robert Lennon
9. Frog King, by Adam Davies
10. Many Lives, Many Masters, by Brian Weiss, M.D.


MARCH

11. H.P. Lovecraft: Tales
12. Fluke, by Christopher Moore
13. Next, by Michael Crichton


APRIL

14. The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova
15. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy
16. Reading Like a Writer, by Francine Prose
17. The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho
18. How I Became a Nun, by Cesar Aira
19. The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil, by George Saunders
20. Bastard out of Carolina, by Dorothy Allison


MAY

21. Remainder, by Tom McCarthy
22. Misfortune, by Wesley Stace
23. New Sudden Fiction, edited by Robert Shapard and James Thomas
24. The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
25. The Marquise of O-- and Other Stories, by Heinrich von Kleist
26. Zodiac, by Robert Graysmith


JUNE

27. Unspun, by Brooks Jackson and Kathleen Hall Jamieson
28. Jude the Obscure, by Thomas Hardy
29. State of Fear, by Michael Crichton
30. The Butterfly Revolution, by William Butler
31. Blood Meridian, by Cormac McCarthy
32. Cosmicomics, by Italo Calvino
33. On the Road, by Jack Kerouac
34. New British Poetry, edited by Don Paterson and Charles Simic
35. The Book of Nightmares, by Galway Kinnell
36. Grendel, by John Gardner
37. The Ghost Writer, by John Harwood
38. The Fortress of Solitude, by Jonathan Lethem
39. The Collector, by John Fowles


JULY

40. Eeeee Eee Eeee, by Tao Lin
41. Northanger Abbey, by Jane Austen
42. Everything's Eventual, by Stephen King
43. Year of Wonders, by Geraldine Brooks
44. Light of Day, by Jamie Saul
45. The Man in the High Castle, by Philip K. Dick
46. The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, by Philip K. Dick
47. Philosophy in the Boudoir, by Marquis de Sade
48. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, by Philip K. Dick
49. Ubik, by Philip K. Dick
50. Hell Hath No Fury: Women's Letters from the End of the Affair, edited by Anna Holmes


AUGUST
51. Klepto, by Jenny Pollack
52. Sharp Objects, by Gillian Flynn
53. Come Closer, by Sara Gran
54. We Need to Talk about Kevin, by Lionel Shriver
55. Bag of Bones, by Stephen King
56. More Than Human, by Theodore Sturgeon
57. The Voice at 3:00 A.M., by Charles Simic


SEPTEMBER

58. The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks
59. Life Before Man, by Margaret Atwood
60. The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
61. The Girl Next Door, by Jack Ketchum
62. Samedi the Deafness, by Jesse Ball
63. Men Like Bars, Women Don't Have a Penis, by Iron Balz
64. Who Stole the Funny?, by Robby Benson


OCTOBER

65. Deeper, by Jeff Long
66. A Spot of Bother, by Mark Haddon
67. The Fifth Child, by Doris Lessing
68. The Almost Moon, by Alice Sebold


NOVEMBER

69. The Haunting of Hill House, by Shirley Jackson
70. Atonement, by Ian McEwan
71. The Year of Living Biblically, by A.J. Jacobs
72. The Grass is Singing, by Doris Lessing


DECEMBER

73. Bee Balms & Burgundy, by Nelson Pahl
74. Saturday, by Ian McEwan
75. The Long Walk, by Stephen King
76. The Book of Dave, by Will Self
77. Hell House, by Richard Matheson

So, how'd I do? Well, for one, I'm pissed that I didn't even read more books, but for the record, I've read several more that I simply haven't had the time to review yet. If I count them, I'm at 82. Respectable, sure, but I can do better.

Now for the Bibliolatry Awards. Drumroll, please.


THE BEST
Winner: Atonement, by Ian McEwan
Runner up: The Road, by Cormac McCarthy

THE WORST
Winner: White Apples, by Jonathan Carroll
Winner: State of Fear, by Michael Crichton
Runner up: Fluke, by Christopher Moore

MOST DISAPPOINTING (A.K.A. COULDA BEEN SO MUCH BETTER)
Winner: The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova
Runner up: The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks

MOST SURPRISING (IN A GOOD WAY)
Winner: Deeper, by Jeff Long
Winner: The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
Runner up: Misfortune, by Wesley Stace

MOST TERRIFYING
Philosophy in the Boudoir, by Marquis de Sade

PAINFUL BUT AWE INSPIRING
Blood Meridian, by Cormac McCarthy

PAINFUL AND SHITTY
On the Road, by Jack Kerouac

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year, everyone! Best wishes for a happy and healthy '08.